Metadata
- Author: Michael S. Sorensen
- Full Title: I Hear You
- Category:
Highlights
What I was expecting—and quite literally craving at this point in our relationship—was validation. I wanted to feel like she saw, understood, and shared in my excitement. I wasn’t telling her the story because I liked talking; I was sharing it with her in the hope that she would see my excitement and get excited with me. I was hoping we would connect over the shared experience. (Location 240) - Note: This is what we’re looking for as humans. To share experiences with others. This is why watching a movie with someone else is so much more rewarding than watching it by yourself.
Thus, the core idea of this book is that, in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator. (Location 279)
While they were exposed to the same stressors as the other group, those who had their feelings validated found it significantly easier to regulate their emotions and keep their cool. (Location 386) - Note: We did a good job at employing this at the Valley go live.
More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle. (Location 388)
There are, of course, countless ways to validate. As long as you show the other person that you recognize and accept their emotions, you’re validating. (Location 393)
The truth is there’s nothing inherently good or bad about any emotion. Emotions just are. They’re simply reactions to a situation. And, whether we like it or not, we’re going to feel a whole slew of them, each and every day, for the rest of our lives. (Location 420)
When someone is in that state, a simple “don’t worry” doesn’t help. If you instead show them that you see and appreciate what they’re feeling, they’ll either find a solution of their own, or become much more willing to listen to yours. (Location 447)
The result is simple, respectful, nonjudgmental support that helps Amy talk through and let go of her frustration rather than trying to ignore or suppress it. Their conversation becomes much more pleasant and connecting, and leads to a significantly more positive outcome. (Location 552)
Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion. (Location 662)
Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” (Location 665)
Offering validation—before or instead of offering advice or assurance—is often the best way to help. Doing so helps others let go of difficult emotions much more quickly, often allowing them to find a solution to the problem on their own. (Location 670)
If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback. The great thing is, you can validate someone even if you disagree with them. Learning to do so will give you a valuable tool for navigating confrontations, negotiations, disagreements, and the like. (Location 777)
Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling. (Location 824)