Atlas of the Heart
Metadata
- Author: Brené Brown
- Full Title: Atlas of the Heart
Highlights
First, no one in my family is going to admit that they might, at some point, get sick or die. My people die with a look of defiance on their face and shit in every drawer. (Location 68)review
As far as my own stuff goes, I was Marie Kondo before Marie Kondo was cool. Just like I’m convinced that my car goes faster after I get an oil change, I can feel my house sighing with relief when I take five bags of stuff to the local shelter. There’s a lift and a lightness. And a sense of control. The house stands a little straighter without the extra weight, and I feel freer with a little less baggage. (Location 75)review
As it turns out, being able to see what’s coming doesn’t make it any less painful when it arrives. In fact, knowing probably just upped my anticipatory anxiety and my intolerance for vulnerability. (Location 170)review
When we stop numbing and start feeling and learning again, we have to reevaluate everything, especially how to choose loving ourselves over making other people comfortable. It was the hardest work I’ve ever done and continue to do. (Location 180)review
sometimes, even when the pain takes your breath away, you have to let the people you love experience the consequences of their own behavior. That one really hurts. (Location 199)review
Imagine if you had a shooting pain in your left shoulder that was so severe it actually took your breath away. The pain kept you from working, sleeping, and fully engaging in your life. When you finally arrive at the doctor’s office and she asks what’s going on, there’s suddenly tape over your mouth and your hands are tied behind your back. You try yelling through the tape and freeing your hands so you can point to your shoulder, but there’s no use. You’re just there—inches and minutes from help and possible relief—but you can’t communicate or explain the pain. I would imagine in that situation most of us would either fall to the floor in despair or fling ourselves around the room in uncontrollable rage. This is not that different from what can happen to us when we are unable to articulate our emotions. We feel hopeless or we feel a destructive level of anger. (Location 223)review
I’d describe myself as having frequent state anxiety with trait rising, and I know that therapy has been essential for me in terms of recognizing and understanding my reactions and developing techniques for working through my feelings of anxiety. I’ve also had to give up caffeine, commit to eight to nine hours of sleep a night, and exercise almost every day. (Location 484)review
I laughed so hard when he told me that due to the physics of how grass grows, when we peer over our fence at our neighbor’s grass, it actually does look greener, even if it is truly the same lushness as our own grass. I mean, does it get better than that? The grass actually does look greener on the other side, but that means nothing comparatively because it’s all perspective. (Location 611)review
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” (Location 684)review
If you want to know what’s likely to trigger shame for you, just fill in this sentence stem: It’s really important for me not to be perceived as ________________. (Location 703)review
when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, What is that person doing wrong? or What should they be doing? I think, What do I need but am afraid to ask for? While resentment is definitely an emotion, I normally recognize it by a familiar thought pattern: What mean and critical thing am I rehearsing saying to this person? (Location 734)review
Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. (Location 738)review
As Steve and I support our kids in learning how to cultivate meaningful connection with the people in their lives, we’ve always told them that good friends aren’t afraid of your light. They never blow out your flame and you don’t blow out theirs—even when it’s really bright and it makes you worry about your own flame. (Location 795)review
A big part of my book writing routine is watching super predictable, formulaic mysteries—even ones I’ve seen ten times. These shows would bore me to tears if I were in a normal mental space. But when I’m coding data and writing, something weird happens. It’s like the shows lull the easily distracted part of my brain into a rhythmic stupor, setting free the deeper, meaning-making part of my brain to engage and start making connections between things that don’t seem connectable. I actually sit on my couch with a notepad next to me because the more bored I get, the more ideas bubble to the surface. (Location 832)review
As researcher and writer Sherry Turkle says, “Boredom is your imagination calling to you.” (Location 841)review
Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment. (Location 849)review
I’ve found two categories of expectations in my work: expectations that are unexamined and unexpressed (aka stealth expectations) and examined and expressed expectations. (Location 854)review
We set expectations based not only on how we fit in that picture, but also on what those around us are doing in that picture. This means that our expectations are often set on outcomes totally beyond our control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react. The movie in our mind is wonderful, but no one else knows their parts, their lines, or what it means to us. (Location 863)review
Now, before weekends, vacations, or even busy school or workweeks, we talk about expectations. We specifically ask each other, “What do you want this weekend to look like?” (Location 888)review
We’re also trying to teach our kids how to reality-check, communicate, and dig into the intentions driving their expectations. We try to model the questions: What expectations do you have going into this? What do you want to happen? Why? What will that mean to you? Do you have a movie in your head? And in this perception-driven world, the big question is always: Are you setting goals and expectations that are completely outside of your control? (Location 898)review